This is a topic that is hard for me, but I feel led to share. This week, every year, is a difficult one for me. You see, we would be celebrating a birthday at this time, a birthday that will never actually get to be celebrated. In November of 2001, we lost a baby. That baby would've been born around the last week of June in 2002. Every year I think about what that child would've looked like at that age. She would've been eight years old this week.
The first year after the miscarriage was horrible. I struggled with my grief and started sinking into a terrible depression. I did not know many people at the time who had experienced this, and so I felt very alone. I also struggled with feelings of self blame (what did I do that caused this?) and even struggled with being angry at God for taking my baby away from me. But, the pain did ease as time went on, and in June - the very month I was due, I found out I was pregnant with my beautiful boy, Stephen! I was a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy, but I had a wonderful, understanding doctor, who performed an ultrasound at every appointment to reassure me. Then, in Janurary of 2003, Stephen was born. He was a month early, and had a rocky start due to respiratory distress syndrome, but, he came home healthy. I will always carry our third child (as part of the healing process, we gave her the name Aimee Hope) in my heart, and she could never be replaced - but, I know now that when she went to be with Jesus, she made it possible for Stephen to come into our life.
When I go to be with the Lord, I will be reunited with her, and this thought has truly helped my heart to heal. The pain has mostly gone, but it is the "anniversaries" that are the hardest. My heart goes out to everyone who has experience pregnancy and baby loss.
There is a beautiful song, performed by the Christian group Selah, that truly captures how I felt at that time. It is called "I Will Carry You."
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave, but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this.
Chorus:
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you.
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
Chorus
Happy birthday, my angel baby.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing this Kary. And thank you for being here for me.
I just wanted to cry. I could not imagine the pain that you or Tracy had to go through. I applaud both of you for sharing your story and I hope that it helps you heal.
Post a Comment